This game isn’t hot, it’s hilarious. Right after opening the game, you’ll see the your escort bouncing around like spaz. She manages to stand still yet simultaneously doing the worst 80s white lady dance. Unfortunately, this is the game’s peak so once you move on its all downhill.
Time to customize your hooker. The default clothes are a shirt with some cool underboob and some jean shorts. Don’t bother going through the other five choices, they all suck. They are clothes an elderly woman might gift before being sent off to a care home. Oh well, I can live with a butt rack and some intermammary cleft.
Now its time to play. You can watch her dance, free play (you get to pork her), or story mode. Story mode is the same as free play but with poorly chosen words in between – skip it. The dances are not sexy, but they made me go haha so I watched them all. A minute later, we were under the sheets.
And then I appeared. The main character. I did not agree to play a meth addict on binge day three, yet here we are. I have no doubt this man lives in a cardboard Ikea box. You can customize how he looks, but it was either a crackhead or a Ronald Reagan lookalike. I chose the former.
This man’s peepee is barbed more than Rambo’s knife. Its gross, and someone should answer for this. While on top of the girl, she looks like she’s hanging by an invisible curtain rod hung behind my man’s head. Finally realizing that this comedy duo will never do anything for me, I cycled through all the positions and endings. They’re all weird. The 3d models have strange twists and tears made me long for the days when my escort would stumble dance to royalty free music.
The screenshots don’t look bad, but in practice Escort Simulator animates everything horribly. Bug eyes, smashed in hips, weird lip syncing… take my word for it, high five me for the heads up, and skip this one.